It was the best of times, it was the worst of times this episode, and I have to say, we were all a little changed by its end. In fact, in the span of 2 hours we managed to get:

• Bad Danny Zuko knockoffs!

• #Beccelection2018!

• Psychotic breaks!

• Abraham Lincoln!

• Leo’s luscious locks!

• Declarations of love!

• Insensitive emancipation jokes!

And that’s just the beginning. Let’s dive in.

We open in the cultured, bustling, must-see city of Richmond, Virginia, because apparently Mobile, Alabama was already booked. The boys are all overly excited to spill out into its historic streets and see all 2 sites there are to see, and a chipper Becca declares “I have such a good group of guys!” as the camera pans to Lincoln the Sexual Assaulter, Connor the Red Flag, Chris the Fucking Crazy, and Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett. 

“I had a rough week,” Chris admits, right before immediately getting into it with Lincoln. They sit awkwardly together on the couch, thighs touching, catfighting about everything and nothing at all. 

“You just body shamed me!” exclaims Chris at one point, while the rest of the men roll their eyes. “If you put your hands on me,” he adds, “I’ll destroy you.” Cool!

The rest of the men seem less exhausted by the squabbling than they do genuinely concerned about where Chris is going to take this.

“It’s very apparent that the wheels on the bus have come all the way off,” Colton says worriedly. 

I have to give it to these bros—they’re ridiculous, but the one-liners this season are on point. 

Jason, whoever that is, is relieved to get the fuck outta there for his 1:1. Who’s Jason again? Oh, that’s right, he’s the one whose name Becca also forgot.

So Jason, who until now had the look and personality of a penny loafer, steps out all dolled up as the poor man’s Danny Zuko, greasy hair slicked back and leather jacket draped across his lanky frame. He and Becca scamper off to St. John’s church, where Becca dutifully rattles off historic tidbits that were just forced down her throat by the Bachelor interns.

“This is where Patrick Henry said, give me liberty or give me death,” she points out robotically. “And here’s where Edgar Allen Poe’s mother is buried.” Titillating, but at least the latter gives way to an Unhappy Hour, in which hordes of suspicious-eyed goths gather to toast to the tenuous link to Poe that the church provides. It also provides us with a wonderfully awkward display of Jason trying to do splits with a ghost (?) and…you know what, I don’t know, I got up at that point to refill my wine glass because the secondhand embarrassment was just too much.

I came back just in time to see Becca in a coffin, kissing Jason. Now that’s a metaphor if I’ve ever seen one.

Afterward, Becca has a surprise for Jason, and it’s—his friends! why not!—which honestly makes me wonder how long in advance they plan these dates, or how jobless/excited to be on national TV these guys are that they can jump onto an episode with no notice.   

Then it’s time for dinner, which is honestly just…yeah. They do have a genuine conversation about Alzheimer’s and death, and it’s honestly kind of nice, but they just sort of seem like two bags of tapioca pudding that sprang to life and happen to be sitting next to each other.

“I feel safe with Becca,” Jason says dreamily at the date’s end, thus cementing his inevitable runner-up status.

The next morning comes far too soon, and with it the gaggle of group daters who are promptly introduced to Abraham Lincoln and George Washington, who claim they were besties despite having lived and died in separate centuries. Abraham Lincoln and Lincoln trade jokes (which is painful given that we all know Lincoln is a sexual assaulter who thinks the earth is flat and our illustrious forefathers do not), the boys ooh and ahh over 2nd grade US history tidbits, and it’s all so painfully boring.

But just when all of Bachelor Nation was beginning to fall asleep in their wine glasses, ABC rolled out #BECCELECTION2018! That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, the next group date is an incredibly ill-advised debate on the steps of…something! Despite being so close to DC and all of its political madness and history, the bros are debating for love in Richmond, which, of course, turns out exactly the way we’d all expected:

• Colton was remarkably at home in the role, and will likely someday run for office and enjoy a scandal-filled career during which he runs through several wives

• Blake was very poised but crouched like fucking Igor the entire time as if the podium was physically causing him pain

• Wills was cool AF

• Lincoln couldn’t help squabbling with Chris

• Chris couldn’t help being a FUCKING LUNATIC and fighting with all the men, at one point even colorfully swearing in front of a crowd of families

I spent $18 on a bottle of wine for this episode and it tasted like pure liquid asshole, but you know what? I finished that damn bottle, because this episode really was that bad.

At the post-date cocktail party, the shenanigans continue. Lincoln jabbers away at Becca, telling him how Connor is too nervous to stay in the same room as Chris, how all of the men hate him, etc. etc. Which would be fine, but he’s embellishing some of the key details (including Connor’s place in it all) which is only muddying the goddamn waters. Look, Lincoln, everyone hates Chris enough—and is genuinely worried about his mental status—without you coming in and looking like you’re lying and exaggerating and making the whole thing up. Let. Chris. Dig. His. Own. Grave. FFS.

Although, really, how logical can a sexual assaulting flat-earther be? God, what have we become, Bachelor Nation? WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?

Chris comes in for some 1:1 next, and he’s just as fucking crazy as you’d think.

“So, tell me, how’ve you been?” he prompts, eyes rolling in his skull. “Whatcha thinkin’?”

Becca looks suitably horrified and attempts to make headway with Chris, of course to no avail. She’s so upset afterward that she can’t even jump right into 1:1 time with Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett. He gives her some space and rejoins the boys, kicking off BRO-DOWN 2018, in which all of the grown ass men squabble like petulant, crazy little children about the woman they barely know that they’re competing to get engaged to on national TV.

Garrett is hilariously sad about not getting his 1:1 time, but is surprisingly rational about the whole thing. And herein lies the problem with Garrett—if I hadn’t known about his horrifying social media sprees, I would really like him. He seems kind, sweet, thoughtful, and genuine. He’s good looking and in good shape. He seems like a great catch. So I find myself liking him throughout the show, only to then have to adamantly remind myself that he’s a monster. Ah, modern dating. Nothing like it.

Becca comes back down and canoodles with Garrett, then with Blake, a few guys drop love bombs including Wills, then maybe others, idk, I was too busy drinking my liquid asshole to care. At the end of the party, Colton inexplicably gets the group date rose (really thought Blake was gonna pull that one out—maybe it was all the slouching?) and everyone across the country collectively rolls their eyes. I could hear Tia’s eyes in particular rattling around in there.

Finally, however, there’s a part of the episode I’ve actually been looking forward to! That’s right, it’s time for a 1:1 date with LEO!

Leo and Becca are whisked away to go oyster shucking (which they don’t actually do, as “shucking” and “collecting” are two very different things). Becca is fretting at the start, saying “I just felt like I couldn’t give Leo the best side of me” (is there one, Becca? Is there one?) and being so sad and distracted by the previous night’s insanity. 

But she does start to warm up and see Leo through a new lens. She’s going on and on about how she didn’t really see all that much potential with Leo, but now is beginning to rethink that, which makes sense because Leo is FINE and VERY SWEET and VERY CARING and being SUPER MATURE and why on EARTH would she have noticed him, right? Becca loves the stupid and the problematic, so I’m just relieved that she got hit over the head with a Leo shovel to see that there’s more out there than the Chris’ of the world.

After the first part of the date, I have some very important questions for Leo:

1. How do you get your curls so defined and frizz-free, especially when out on the water??

2. How can you be so mature and calm in the face of craziness, and not take things personally?

3. Wanna grab drinks once Becca boots you off??

The two then go off to dinner, which is initially soured by the HILARIOUSLY COMICAL music they start playing when Leo starts to open up. It feels like a Monty Python sketch, it’s so out of place, and I was really worried for a moment there that Leo was also fucking crazy and was going to start rattling off insanities, but no, it was just very poor music choice on behalf of the Bachelor Interns. Get your shit together, guys.

But of course, nothing this good can last in the Bachelorverse, because as soon as Leo’s blessed with his date rose, Becca whisks him off for YET ANOTHER PAINFUL LIVE CONCERT IN WHICH THE TWO AWKWARDLY SLOW DANCE TO NO-NAME COUNTRY “STAR'S” MUSIC WHILE A CROWD OF ADORING COLLEGE STUDENTS AND STAY-AT-HOME MOMS FAWN ALL OVER THEM, WHY, ABC, WHY DO YOU DO THIS???

AND WHO THE FUCK IS MORGAN EVANS??

Speaking of good things coming to an end, we’re sadly taken back to the bachelor pad, where the boys wait with bated breath to see if Leo will be returning or not. Chris and Lincoln are still at it—talk about the poor man’s Captain Underpants and Chicken David (#RIP)—and it’s just getting more and more unhinged.

“The man eats 12 eggs every day!” Chris screams at the camera, about Lincoln. “His cholesterol has to be 6000!”

Uh. 

Then Leo walks in the door, and all hell breaks loose.

Chris is SO UPSET that Leo dared to live to see another day that he pushes himself up from the couch and storms right out the door. The rest of the men are suitably worried (is he going off to find Becca? is he going to murder Becca??) and there’s lots of hand-wringing yet no one goes after him. Onward!

So Chris marches off to Becca’s hotel and knocks on her door, and honestly, I really was just relieved he didn’t immediately murder her.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, nervously laughing. “This is crazy! Hee hee!” But we all know that she was really saying “OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?? THIS IS CRAZY, SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE!”

“This little adversity is not going to stop me from something I believe in, and something I want,” Chris says, sounding completely unhinged—and indeed, it seems all the wheels have come off his little bus of crazy. 

Becca finally, finally, BLESSEDLY boots him off, telling him it just isn’t working for her. He’s surprisingly calm—too calm—and says he doesn't need to be walked to the door. But because Becca is fucking stupid, she gets into a squabble with him as she insists on walking him to the door, because why wouldn’t she want to fight with a crazy man who just burst into her hotel room when he’s not supposed to, has been ready to go off for days now, and is vehemently insisting he doesn’t want her near him?

Brilliant, Becca. Brilliant. Although she does say, with massive relief, “he’s not a guy I would want in my life, ever,” when all is said and done. It's fitting, as it's overlaid with Chris' storming off into the distance, swearing so thoroughly and colorfully that it's just a long series of bleeps as he disappears.

We finally inch closer and closer to 10pm, and with it the evening’s Rose Ceremony. Becca pulls a *~fast one~* yet again and wants to nix the pre-ceremony cocktail soiree to jump right into it, and honestly, we’re all right there with her.

She comes out wearing even more sequins (this season has officially killed sequins for me) and eyes the remaining eight suitors with a mixture of resignation, horror, and sadness. Oh wait, no, that was me, she seemed more into them. Whatever. 

But then something magical happened. It was like the Grinch’s heart growing two sizes, or Carrie dumping the Russian, or that time my shitty boyfriend said not to cut my long hair so I cut it into a bob just to piss him off—true magic. Let’s see what happened:

THE ROSE WINNERS
Colton “I love Tia” Underwood, Leo with the Good Hair, and Jason the Greaser are already safe. Joining them are Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett, Wills the Amazing, and Blake of the Mountains. Which means…

THE ROSE LOSERS
LINCOLN THE SEXUAL ASSAULTER and RED FLAG! CONNOR ARE OUT!

Yes, that’s right, this episode we lost 3/4 of the HORRIBLE MEN!!! Just when I was about ready to throw my TV off the roof of my building, the episode came on around and redeemed itself. Granted, we still have Garrett, and he’s gonna make it far (if not all the way) but hey, in today’s world, getting rid of 3/4 of ANYTHING problematic is a goddamn dream come true.

We’re left with the exciting news that the bros are off to the Bahamas (!!), well-trod playground of the Bachelorverse, and a super problematic clip of Faux Abe Lincoln praising Becca with an “It really warms my heart to know that you emancipated yourself from that Arie." Because in this season, we just can’t let sleeping Dutch racing dogs lie, and as a country, we just can’t stop white people from making really fucking poor jokes about slavery and black rights.

Until next week!