Well, here we are. Another night with The Proposal, which is really another night of severe alcohol poisoning because this show is an utter devastation of all that is good in this world, and I needed some way to dull the pain.

At any rate, I pissed off tonight’s winner enough that she yelled at me on Twitter, mixed up “Bye Felicia” and “Becky with the Good Hair” in her tweet, and then promptly deleted said tweet. If that’s not the fame I deserve, I just don’t know what is.

Where was I? Oh, right. Tonight’s Mystery Suitor is Dr. Fucking Buck (Buck apparently is his nickname, and I already don’t care) some kind of surgeon from Salt Lake City. He prattles on about having been in a relationship but not being ready for marriage, so what better life choice than to come on national TV to meet women for an hour and then propose to one of them.

Speaking of the women, let’s meet our horror shows.

THE CONTESTANTS

• Nicole: a 33yo model who’s described as a “small-town girl living in the big city” (which I believe you get permanently stamped on you if you move from the South/Midwest to NYC) that loves movies and hanging out with friends

• Simone: a 35yo hospitality worker that “feels connected to water”

• Aesha: a 40yo nutritionist from Ukraine, who describes herself as “a traditional woman living in a modern world” so I’m assuming she voted for Trump

• Amanda: a 34yo personal shopper from Dallas that’s sick of people asking if her biological clock is ticking and owns the first Pomeranian of the evening

• Alyson: a 36yo business developer from Las Vegas

• Kym: a 35yo communications specialist whose favorite national park is Yosemite

• Katie H: a 32yo dance coach/teacher who loves game nights, cuddling, and drinking wine, and owns the second Pomeranian of the night (is she my spirit animal or what?)

• Reaola: a 37yo mortuary owner who thinks men with baggage “are just dead weight”

• Katie Bell: a 30yo consultant who’s a traditional Southern Belle that loves waterfalls

• Stacie: a 28yo Australian model and DJ living in LA whose favorite continent is Australia and whose favorite day of the week is Sunday

ELIMINATION ROUND 1
Alyson the Business Developer (36), Kym the Yosemite Champion (35), and Katie B the Waterfall Fan (30) are thrown over a cliff, leaving:

• Nicole the Small-Town Big-City Girl (33)

• Simone the Water Enthusiast (35)

• Stacie the 20-Something DJ (28)

• Katie the Cuddler (32)

• Raeola the Mortician (37)

• Aesha the Republican (40)

• Amanda the Personal Shopper (34)

Jesse Palmer heaves his rotting carcass onstage to announce the Swimsuit Round by gritting out “Now they bare their souls and bodies!” 

No, really. He said that. He says that every episode. Every. Single. Episode. Let that sink in.

• Stacie the 20-Something DJ (28) parades out first in her tiny bikini with some sweet Chucks and says she’s been “modeling” for the last few years or whatever
  

• Raeola the Mortician (37) shares a heartwarming story about how she owns and runs the mortuary with her mom who’s her BFF
  

• Katie the Cuddler (32) sashays out to a fuckton of dance puns and promptly states that just because she’s in a bathing suit, this isn’t a bathing suit competition, it’s real life, showing that she has absolutely no sense of reality whatsoever
  

• Amanda the Personal Shopper (34) makes joke about men in cages then promptly screams “LET ME LOVE YOU”
  

• Aesha the Republican (40) prowls out to a voiceover stating “her past relationships have been monogamous with a side order of cheating and revenge” so I can only assume that she’s murdered at least 15 men; this is proven true when she begins RAPPING
  

• Simone the Water Enthusiast (35) opens up about losing her father, how she turned that pain into love, and describes how she now “wakes up and appreciates everything around her” which means she’s about to get eliminated
  

• Nicole the Small-Town Big-City Girl (33) cries a lot and says she’s wanted to be married since she was 3

“Jesse,” Dr. Fucking Buck says, without a shred of emotion or interest, “where did you get these amazing women?”

ELIMINATION ROUND 2
Raeola the Mortician (37), Amanda the Personal Shopper (34), and Simone the Water Enthusiast (40) are all drowned. 

He also eliminated the two black women, leaving, of course, a sea of whiteness:

• Nicole the Small-Town Big-City Girl (33)

• Katie the Cuddler (32)

• Stacie the 20-Something DJ (28)

• Aesha the Republican (40)

Now it’s time for the Dealbreaker Question Round, my favorite round ever—and Jesse Palmer’s, as he excitedly sprints on stage to breathlessly announce that the questions can “be about religion, politics, past relationships, even SEXXXXX!”

• Katie the Cuddler (32) gets Can you tell me what mistakes did you make in your past relationships? "Can I?" she nervously titters. "Absolutely. Will I? I’m not perfect, but I’ll tell you over a glass of wine." Like I said: My. Spirit. Animal.
  

• Aesha the Republican (40) gets I worked hard to be financially stable; do you have debt, and if so, what’s your plan for that? OKAY, SO MANY THINGS HERE. First of all, Dr. Fucking Buck totally calls her out as a gold digger (LOL) but she REDEEMS THE CRAP out of herself by bucking the impression I had of her. She looks pissed AF at the question, sharply says "No, I’ve never been in debt in my life" and then just fucking sashays away without letting him get another word in. Alright, Aesha, you’re good.
  

• Nicole the Small-Town Big-City Girl (33) gets Chemistry is very important to me, and so is physicality for me in a relationship; on a scale of 1-10 how important is sex for you? To which she giggles out "I think it’s a 12!" and then actually admits that she’s had a lingerie box lying around for her future husband
  

• Stacie the 20-Something DJ (28) gets I’ve worked very hard to establish myself as a surgeon, and that comes with some roots; you have an incredible job, are you ready to settle down? "Sure," she lies, going on about how she’s traveled the world and has it out of her system, but girl is 28 and a full-time jetsetter/DJ/faux model, we know she’s not settling down anytime soon

With those mind-melting questions behind us, Dr. Fucking Buck makes his next selections: 

ELIMINATION ROUND 3
Aesha the Former Republican, Now Badass Boss Extraordinaire (40) goes home, giving Dr. Fucking Buck maybe 2 more days to live, and leaving: 

• Katie the Cuddler (32)

• Nicole the Big-City Small-Town Girl (33)

• Stacie the 20-Something DJ (28)

Because of course the 28yo is still there.

Now it’s time for the good doctor’s sister to be hauled onstage to field stupid questions to a group of stupid women vying for her brother’s unseen hand in marriage. 

“One of these beautiful women, by the end of the night, could be your future sister-in-law!” exclaims Jesse Palmer, to the horrified sister.  

• Stacie the 20-Something DJ (28) gets What’s your dream wedding like and what kind of bride would you be? to which she says she’ll be a chill bride on the beach etc. etc. etc.
  

• Nicole the Big-City Small-Town Girl (33) gets Let’s say you’ve been dating your boyfriend for a whole month and he invites his whole family over for Thanksgiving dinner—what would you do? to which she squarbles out "I’d love it, it would be great! And you’re beautiful by the way! And it would be awesome!”
  

• Katie the Cuddler (32) gets What if I told you: you’d never have to work again if you dedicate yourself to one cause. What would the cause be? to which she says it'd be 100% to Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and lymphoma societies, because her mom is a cancer survivor

Will Dr. Fucking Buck make good choices, or will he ruin everything? Let’s see.

ELIMINATION ROUND 4
Shockingly, Stacie the 20-Something DJ (28) gets the boot. Given her age, disinterest, and lack of desire to commit, I assumed she’d get proposed to. This leaves:

• Nicole the Big-City Small-Town Girl (33)

• Katie the Cuddler (32)

in a duel to the death. 

But first! We reveal Dr. Fucking Buck, who’s actually pretty hot.

In fact, all of the Mystery Suitors on #TheProposal are hot, so they're clearly:

• Incredibly damaged

• Horribly abusive

• Massively stunted

• Completely incapable of maintaining an adult relationship

Thank god they can come find a quickie spouse on national TV!

Now it’s time for one brutal elimination and one ill-advised proposal!

ELIMINATION ROUND 5
Dr. Fucking Buck wants to talk to Nicole the Big-City Small-Town Girl (33) first, which is a pipe dream because she literally just babbles nonsensically. She manages to get out something about thinking this is the most romantic thing ever, and that he’s so handsome, and that she loves his sister soverymuch and my god, were my ears bleeding.

Katie the Cuddler (32) goes next, and fucking crushes it by saying: “when I close my eyes I picture a lifetime of lots of wine! One of my favorite places in the whole wide world is Lake Tahoe, and their mountain is called Heavenly, and I want to start a relationship as a “Heavenly” relationship!” which is also completely fucking incoherent, but hey, there was wine in there. 

And the winner is…

Nicole! So he picks the woman that babbles/cries/planned her wedding at 3 rather than the woman who fucking loves wine/can speak coherently/actually wants an adult relationship.

BECAUSE OF COURSE, THIS SHOW IS EVERYTHING WRONG IN THIS GODDAMN WORLD at least she wasn't 22 tho.

Until next week! God help us all.