When I hear the word “hometown” I think of endless football fundraisers, drunken nights dodging people I went to high school with, and that one creepy janitor who always seemed to be working in every school and municipal building in town at the same time. 

But that’s neither here nor there, because the Bachelorette Bros skipped my weird little hometown in favor of their own for the Hometown Visits episode, which meant we were whisked away to such exotic locales as “Buffalo” and “Colorado” and got to watch Becca alternatively make out on tractors and Zambonis. Living. The. Dream.

We start by going west, young man, to a world of roses, weird sisters, and cringe-worthy moments.

Hometown Visit 1: Garrett the Racist Plays FarmVille in Manteca, CA
Reminder: Garrett is a racist, misogynistic, bigoted xenophobe. Okay let’s go!

We find ourselves smack dab in the middle of a farm and immediately rack up Bachelorette Bingo:

• Making out on a moving tractor!

• Planting and playing with roses!

• Discussing the plethora of kids they’ll pop out!

• Making puns about “sowing seeds!”

• Horrifying the audience who knows that the suitor is (unbeknownst to our Bachelorette) a monster!

Drink! 

It’s all lovely, minus the fact that we all know Garrett is trash. Then they set off to Meet the Yrigoyens, which I cannot pronounce (especially with all the wine I’ve already had) and it’s pretty goddamn glorious. 

Not for any good reason, of course, but because the entire thing is amped up on the Insanity Scale to a solid 10 by the fact that, once again, we all know Garrett is trash. What we’d normally empathize with we suddenly find hilariously cringe-worthy, including:

• His mom pulling the ol’ Mama Bear Act (cute, but it’s the women you’re gonna have to worry about there, Mama Yrigoyen)

• Everyone claiming Garrett’s ex was awful and destroyed him and became a total stranger overnight (cause let’s face it, Garrett probably completely vilified her and destroyed her, because he is, ONCE AGAIN, trash)

• His dad doing a strange little dance (normally hi-larious, now just sad because he’s gonna be devastated when it all comes out how horrible his son is)

On a more positive note, his sister is totally the personification of Krystal’s vocal fry, and his sister-in-law appears to be the love child of Cameron Diaz and Brooke Hogan.

The family grills Becca, she grills them, and everyone agrees that this time around will DEFINITELY BE BETTER THAN THE LAST. Delicious. 

Hometown Visit 2: Jason Spreads His Wings in Buffalo, NY
In case you missed it, Jason is from BUFFALO. Yeah, that’s right, BUFFALO, and don’t you forget it (not that you could) because they’re in BUFFALO and it’s gonna be a BUFFALO kinda night.

Look, I get it, kind of. I’m from Boston and we have an inordinate amount of pride in our city, but we’re also a real city, so.

We open with Jason being really fucking greasy, per usual, because I don’t think the man knows what shampoo and regular showers are. He plays right into the Producer’s evil games by dragging Becca into a bar that—SURPRISE!—is filled with screaming faux fans that demand she immediately answer questions about buffalo wings and demand she immediately begin stuffing wings down her gullet in an eating contest.

Like, I love me some good wings, but this date’s gonna end with a lot of Pepto Bismol and that kinda puts a damper on things.  

We then stumble into a hockey rink, because in Bachelor Nation, you only have three options for date locations:

1. In a weirdly placed hot tub

2. In a hockey rink

3. In a random music venue while some horrible country artist croons

Becca swaps the tractor for a Zamboni, getting her make out sesh on while she and Jason zoom about the rink. They play hockey in exchange for kisses (or something) and chat families and it is super boring.

Luckily we then get to go meet the Tarticks, which is hella awesome cause Jason’s brother is sexy Harry Potter:

Okay so he’s married and whatever, but the distraction is appreciated because Jason bores the fuck outta me. Remember, this is the guy whose name Becca once forgot.

His family seems nice enough, although his mom definitely knows what’s up. “Do you think she’s into other guys more than you?” she asks pointedly. “Cause I think she might like someone more.” Mama Tartick FTW.

Despite this astute observation, Jason admits to his family he loves Becca, they push him to finally tell her, and then he finally does. First love bomb of the episode, drink!

Hometown Visit 3: Blake Gets Real in Bailey, CO
You know, I didn’t much care for Blake at first—not for any particular reason, but he just felt kinda bland. However, that’s changed over the last few episodes, and while I’d still pick Leo or Wills over him any day, I do genuinely like Blake. And after this episode, damn girl. 

We start with Becca admitting to the cameras that she loves him, but deviously saying she won’t tell him that, and honestly, that’s the Becca I live for. It’s interesting, because she seems gaga over Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett (and maybe it’s just the editing) yet Blake is the only one she’s boldly admitted (and numerous times) that she loves. So pretty sure she’ll pick Garrett and destroy herself, but c'est la vie. 

The two meet up and totter off to Blake’s high school, which at first felt obscenely boring—and slightly uncomfortable, as he talks about his mom teaching there when he was a student, and we all remember the life-defining debacle that was her affair with Blake’s English Teacher/Football Coach. Then Blake sits Becca down and says there’s something he needs to tell her, and honestly, I couldn’t tell if I was terrified or would die of boredom.

But then something else happened.

Blake says that there was a shooting at the school when he was there. His mother was the one to give the announcement code over the intercom, alerting the other teachers. One young woman died. 

It’s a devastating moment, yet Blake stays strong, confident, and compassionate. He tells Becca it made him appreciate life, and not in one of those “oh yeah, totally changed my life, and that’s what I tell everyone when I still act like a piece of shit” kind of way, but in a seemingly genuine, real way. 

Part of Blake’s boringness is his stability and his open nature (because I am irreparably damaged and will someday end up on BiP; probably not as a contestant, but as that crazy person that climbs the beachside fences) but here he shows the kind of strength and vulnerability that makes you stop and really think.

It’s also a poignant moment because Blake’s top competition is Garrett—yeah, the one who was double tapping his heart out over posts saying the Parkland shooting victims were paid actors, and that it never really happened. It makes Garrett look like even more of a fucking monster, and makes Blake really emerge as the best possible choice—not just of these final four suitors, but, possibly, of the entire season.

Of course this hushed scene is then juxtaposed with the INCREDIBLY JARRING SCENE of Blake taking Becca into what we assume is a dark, empty room, but ends up being a gym FILLED WITH SUDDENLY SCREAMING FANS. Jesus, we were just talking about shootings here, Bachelor Interns, we don’t need sudden loud noises and surprises in the school.

Becca overcomes her minute shock and horror when she notices that BETTY WHO (whoever the fuck that is) is there and singing! Because of course! Becca claims Betty Who (whoever the fuck that is) is her favorite singer ever, and then promptly fakes her way through lip-synching a bunch of songs she doesn’t actually know. 

Anyway, we then go to see Blake’s family, and it could be weird considering the fact that his mother is there, but it doesn’t feel that way. I think everyone was still a little gobsmacked after that school shooting scene, letting us be more open and less vicious than normal. At least for a time. 

His family is lovely, flaws and all. Blake seems truly, genuinely, deeply in love with her (or as truly, genuinely, deeply in love with someone you can be after only knowing them for a few weeks, while they’re dating your roommates) and it’s really sweet. Blake is the kind of guy that would legit sweep you off your feet, that would adore you and shower you with love and gifts, and that would stand by your side forever. So I know that Becca won’t choose him, because she and I are both the exact same person, and that person is a train wreck with terrible dating direction and instincts. Yay!

Hometown Visit 4: Colton Keeps On Virgin-ing On in Parker, CO
We kickoff Colton’s visit with a pre-commercial sneak peek of him talking to his mom about being a virgin. Jesus Christ, Colton, get your shit together.

Post-commercial, Becca scoots an hour-and-change away to Parker, where she and Colton have an admittedly heartwarmingly adorable date. We knew Colton was really invested in charitable causes, and he gives her a glimpse into his world by taking her to the Children’s Hospital. They pick up some gifts ahead of time and have a really, really nice day with the kids, and the whole thing is really sweet.

It’s then promptly ruined, however, by their arrival at Chez Underwood. Colton talks WAY too much with his mom about his virginity, Becca looks super uncomfortable, and Colton’s dad pretty much comes out and says not to pick his son (probably knowing Colton is still super in love with Tia). However, Colton’s dad is a fox, and 10/10 would date.

Bringing It Home: Forced Faux Girl Time
UGH because we can’t just get to a goddamn Rose Ceremony, and because the Bachelor Interns aren’t done torturing us just yet, we find ourselves somewhere fancy and sunlit with Becca and the gaggle of women from Arie’s season that ABC keeps trying to force us to believe are friends. 

Bekah M. is there doing her usual wide-eyed manic act, Kendall is there being fucking weird as always, Caroline is there despite not a single person in Bachelor Nation remembering who TF she is, Seinne is there being pure perfection (#JusticeForSeinne), oh and there’s Tia as well, who’s about to fuck some shit UP. Yay!

Becca prattles on and on about the men and how the dates went and who’s falling in love with her etc. etc., and of course we really hone right in on the Colton piece, where the cameras catapult back and forth between Becca’s seemingly innocent jabberings and Tia’s sweaty-browed nerves. Tia finally snaps right before Becca drops that Colton said “I love you” and drags her away for a quick tête-à-tête.

This is basically how it goes:

Tia: I don't mean to swoop in and totally derail your relationship with Colton now that you've been dating him for weeks and you went to his hometown and he said he loves you, but I love him and want him now sooooooooo. 

Becca: *blinks* Um okay.

If these women were actually friends, there would be so much more bloodshed at this reveal, they wouldn't just be all bland like two bags of lactose-free milk just sitting there. C’mon, ABC, where’s the catfighting? The high drama? The anything? The two just sit there and blink at each other, and it’s super lame.

I know I should be at least hating on Tia right now, but it’s me. Tia is me. I would do this. I am the worst. Long live #Tilsea.

While Becca seemed entirely nonplussed during the exchange, she frets heavily after the cut. Wrapped in sequins for the 1 billionth time, she wonders if she should follow her heart or listen to Tia, and damn girl—when the shady ass lady you met on a season of TV that pits you against each other to marry a lame Danish race car driver tells you that she’s into one of the four dude roommates you’re debating banging—LISTEN TO HER and cut your losses!

Will she? Won’t she? Let’s see.

The Rose Ceremony
Is basically non-existent. There’s just sequins and sadness. Oh, and the GEM of a moment that is Colton fretting about the Fantasy Suites and basically asking Papa Chris Harrison for advice on how to do The Sex. Then we jump right on into the ceremony.

The Rose Winners
Blake of the Mountains gets the first callout (yay!), followed by Jason the Greaser (meh), and…drumroll…Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett (UGH).

Meaning…

The Rose Loser
Colton “I Love Tia” Underwood is sent packing. Goodbye, sweet Colton, and godspeed. We all know you end up with Tia on BiP, so enjoy!

I WAS hoping, however, that this was FINALLY the episode in which Becca makes some kind of dramatic mistake and dramatically bawls about how she’s now basically Arie, and it would’ve been so amazing if she reneged a rose from someone else to give to Colton and then he ended up leaving her for Tia anyway BUT NO. Tonight was not our night.

They did, however, tease that ridiculous scene next week, so what likely happens is that Becca does something really stupid and fucks up her relationship with Blake, meaning Jason does whatever and Garrett ends up winning, because men are trash and the world is trash, and this is what we deserve.

Until next week!