LOL this goddamn show. It’s such a train wreck it’s almost unwatchable, and yet here I am once again. We begin with the amazing news that last week’s happy couple—Steven the “looking for his best friend” actual adult and Sophia the “I’m 22 and a goddamn college senior” child—broke up immediately after the show, because GENTLE REMINDER: she’s 22 goddamn years old, and she was moving to New York like a week later.

But there are, apparently, some people out there that still believe in love (and/or fleeting fame) so onwards! Tonight we meet Raye (aka LisaRaye McCoy, it turns out), our Mystery Lady who rubs elbows with Oprah and the Obamas and—oh, no, I’m not kidding. A woman who’s an actress and who’s wealthy enough to call herself a “humanitarian” is actually on this oil-spilled dumpster fire of a show, because apparently the world really is that bad. Godspeed, Raye, and as Jesse Palmer slithered out to say:

“Let the soulmate pageant begin!”

THE CONTESTANTS

• Anthony R: a 38yo French model who loves photography, extreme sports, and being very passionate

• Justin: a 31yo National Guardsman from Alabama who likes to give back to the community on weekends

• Chris: a 28yo fitness-obsessed financial analyst

• Jacob: a 22yo foreman who loves dirt biking, skateboarding, and his fave country is Italy; also he’s so preoccupied at the gym (and lifts like such a madman) that people are scared to approach him (sure!)

• Thomas: a 33yo barber who owns a nonprofit for kids

• Adonis: a 36yo firefighter that “makes us all stop, drop, and roll” from southern FL

• Chris Hahn: NEVER MIND THE BIO THEY GIVE HIM because this 47yo is a former WWF wrestler (aka Johnny Paradise) and he starred in the SyFy Channel movie Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan

• Mehdi: a 27yo engineer from the South of France, the “birthplace of the French kiss” (barf)

• Victor: a 55yo nightclub owner and businessman who misquotes Drake quote right out the gate— “It’s a lot of fake love out there”— so yeah

• Anthony B: a 44yo sales rep from Chicago, who’s an avid sports fan and loves spending weekends at the beach

Now Raye is 51 years old, so I’m glad they mostly found her some older gentlemen, but c’mon with the 20-somethings again. Really? What grown ass successful woman in her 50s—one with money—actually wants a 22yo as their soulmate? If you’re going to match people to GET MARRIED, then match them APPROPRIATELY, goddamnit. 

On that note, let’s see which mismatched men are out.

ELIMINATION ROUND 1
Jacob the Fetus (22), Chris the Fitness-Obsessed Financial Analyst (28), and Victor My Dad (55) are all kicked ruthlessly to the curb, leaving:

• Anthony R the Male Model (38)

• Chris aka Johnny Paradise (47)

• Thomas the Barber (33)

• Adonis the Firefighter (38)

• Mehdi the French Kisser (27)

• Anthony B the Beach Bum (44)

• Justin the Good-Hearted National Guardsman (31)

Wow, I am way too drunk for this. 

Anyway, onto the swimsuit round, because the world as we know it has burrowed so deeply into the gutter we can never get it back out again.

• Anthony R the Male Model (38) prances about in a speedo and announces he’s deathly afraid of mimes
  

• Justin the Good-Hearted National Guardsman (31) drops that his brother was shot in the fucking head WHAT
  

• Chris aka Johnny Paradise (47) says that he had a softball-sized brain tumor and now stops to smell the roses
  

• Thomas the Barber (33) makes some weird-ass barber puns
  

• Adonis the Firefighter (38) says ladies “throw themselves at him daily, begging him to put out their fires” (ladies, ladies, you need a penicillin shot for that, not more man meat)
  

• Mehdi the French Kisser (27) comes from humble beginnings but now travels the world and speaks lot so languages…just not the *~language of love~*
  

• Anthony B the Beach Bum (44) is divorced and I can tell why, because he starts FUCKING RAPPING OUT OF NOWHERE

Thankfully we’re put out of our misery with the next round of quick eliminations.

ELIMINATION ROUND 2
Justin the Good-Hearted National Guardsman (31), Thomas the Barber (33), and Chris aka Johnny Paradise (47) are all thrown out of the ring, leaving:

• Anthony R the Male Model (38)

• Adonis the Firefighter (38)

• Mehdi the French Kisser (27)

• Anthony B the Beach Bum (44)

Jesse Palmer gets confused and clambers up on stage to say “In a few minutes we’ll dig deeper as we try to find out…after the break!” He doesn’t clarify that gobbledygook after the commercial, either, so sure! But he does give us his iconic Dealbreaker Question Round Intro: “And nothing is off limits, it could be politics, religion, past relationships, EVEN SEXXXXXXXX!”

Yay.

Here are the questions:

• Adonis the Firefighter (38): “What are your thoughts on PDA, and are you a member of the Mile High Club?” GET. IT. GIRL. He says he isn’t yet, but he’s hoping they can take a trip in the future so they can venture off to spots unknown…he then doesn’t know what PDA means, so maybe he’s less of a Lothario and more of a Colton Underwood
  

• Anthony B the Beach Bum (44): “I’m a successful business woman and I have no plans to slow down, so tell me, is my career intimidating to you?” Nah, he says he’s a successful biz bro too, so their careers will complement each other
  

• Mehdi the French Kisser (27): “I’ve been married, blessed in my career, and made a lot of money, but I realized you can’t buy happiness with your money. How do you find happiness?” I did a Fireball shot so missed it, but I can only assume that, since he’s 27, he said “I only find happiness through money!”
  

• Anthony R the Male Model (38): “Your past relationship was 3 years long, then you weren’t opened to one; what did you learn and what do you want now?” Uh, he rattles on about wanting a BFF and a business partner (ENOUGH with the business partner mentions, people, we get it) and then asks her to repeat the end of the question, hopefully because he was as drunk as I was by then.

All right, let’s see who’s sacrificed next to the ABC gods.

ELIMINATION ROUND 3
Anthony R the Male Model (38) is asked to leave the casting call (au revoir, mon amour) leaving:

• Adonis the Firefighter (38)

• Mehdi the French Kisser (27)

• Anthony B the Beach Bum (44)

Now it’s time for Raye’s adult daughter to come on up and see which men her age and younger can satisfy her mo- OH GOD I CAN’T SAY IT. Let’s just get this over with FFS.

• Adonis the Firefighter (38) gets “How do you feel about dating someone with kids” and he’s all like “haha I’ve liked the kids of the women I’ve dated better than them by the end haha” because he’s a shitty asshole
  

• Mehdi the French Kisser (27) gets “hey, we’re the same age! And btw your family’s all here wearing the same shirts, is this a gimmick or are you here for #TheRightReasons” to which he claims it’s the latter, but we all know it’s the former
  

• Anthony B the Beach Bum (44) gets “you seem a little reserved, but my mom is a classy wild card, so can you hang with her wild side” because sure, why the fuck not, and he prattles on about their personalities complementing each other, sure

Let’s get rid of one of these bozos, stat.

ELIMINATION ROUND 4
Mehdi the French Kisser (27) is blessedly sent packing, because if either of my parents came home with someone my age, I would throttle them all TBH. Now we’re down to our final two with: 

• Adonis the Firefighter (38)

• Anthony B the Beach Bum (44)

It’s finally time to open the pod, and out struts Raye, who’s quite the damn looker, I gotta say. Adonis’ eyes nearly bug out of his head in excitement which is fun, and Anthony B is all nodding in approval. Getttttt it.

And with that, we kick off the proposals! Which is really just a handful of minutes of making out, because first Adonis tries to eat Raye’s face, and then Anthony B tries to eat her face (albeit slightly more gently) and this is primetime TV, folks. 

Raye sort of surprises us by skipping over Adonis the Adonis and picking Anthony B, but really, they’re a much better match. They’ll probably make it a whole month before breaking up!

Until next week! God help us all.