The Bachelorette S14 E07: Terrible Decisions, Family Drama, and Poorly Timed Dick Jokes
Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we finally get back into what makes The Bachelorette so damn good. We’ve hurled Becca and the remaining suitors over to the Bahamas, where we’re regaled with dick jokes, poorly timed virgin reveals, terrible elimination decisions, awkwardly posed makeout seshes in the sand, and more love bombs than you can shake a phallic conch at.
When the world around us is falling apart, at least we’re blessed with this wondrous reprieve. Let’s dive in!
We open with Becca and Chris Harrison having a not-at-all-awkward-or-staged conversation about her gaggle of suitors, in which our Bachelorette plays coy about falling in love, despite immediately following it up with an admission that she’s falling for a few of the bros. But of course she still has reservations about a few, so what better way to tackle it all head on than to skip the Rose Ceremony and instead go on three 1:1 dates and one 3:1? Hooray!
Colton, inexplicably, gets the first 1:1 despite everyone in Bachelor Nation knowing he keeps calling her Tia on the reg, let’s be real here folks. However, this sets up the most gloriously awkward date in Bachelorverse history, in which we’re treating to a sexual innuendo-laden date (they go diving for conch, which sounds just like “cock” and oh god, the jokes! “Diving for conch is much harder *wink wink* than I thought!” and “This conch is so big!” and “man, Colton really knows how to work that conch!” and on and on forever and ever) juxtaposed perfectly with the ABOUT-TIME-reveal that Colton is, indeed, a virgin.
I mean of course he’s not, there’s literally no way, but whatever they gotta do for ratings, baby.
So Colton keeps trying to tell Becca his deep, dark secret, but Becca is having way too much fun with the dick jokes to care. She’s seemingly too googly eyed over Colton, at one point gushing “Colton is so big, and strong, and manly. He can do ANYTHING to me,” while nodding knowingly at the camera.
Bachelor Nation's collective response courtesy of Giphy and NBC
By the time they reach the dinner portion of the date, they’re both ready to burst for so deliciously different reasons. Becca keeps regurgitating out sexual innuendo, while Colton is fidgeting like…well, like a 26-year-old virgin about to announce his virgin status on national TV.
Colton finally has the chance to spill his guts, and Becca goes from wanting to dive into a sea of Colton conchs to looking like she’s been slapped with a brick. All the wind goes out of her sails and she excuses herself for a moment, and honestly, I get it.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin. However long anyone needs—for whatever reason—is perfectly acceptable. But being a woman in your late 20s that’s been sexually active for however long, when you meet someone you have crazy chemistry with, you’re gonna want to A) dive into that sea of conchs, and B) have them be sexually confident, and C) not have to teach them how to have the sex. It just is what it is.
Becca finally recovers and comes back in to thank Colton for his honesty, and to pry a little to understand how someone as attractive as Colton—with as many high-profile exes as Colton—still has his V Card. “There’s a lot of dialogue in the athletic industry,” he admits, needlessly, touching upon his own insecurities over not participating in the wild hedonism of all of his former friends and team members. The guy just wants it to be special. Hey, at least a beautiful guy can dream, right?
Becca's deep, utter disappointment courtesy of ABC
Colton does end up securing the date rose, much to the chagrin of the remaining suitors. Blake and Garrett had been so sure he’d get the boot, because how can you get engaged to someone you haven’t banged, and hey, they’re getting to the Fantasy Suites right? RIGHT?? Woof.
Blake—who had been growing on me—is taking this especially hard, having a bit of a Crazy Chris moment in his desperation to get a 1:1 this episode. He’s adamant that Becca must know how much not getting a 1:1 yet is killing him, etc. etc. etc.
Look, bros, Becca owes y’all nothing. Chill the fuck out, enjoy the Bahamas, and stop getting your conchs all twisted.
Poor Blake goes 2-0 when Garrett gets the second 1:1, and nearly crawls out of his own skin with nerves. That I can understand at least, because now we’re treated to a horrible montage of Becca awkwardly making out in the sand, in twisted positions facing the camera, etc. etc. with that guy that thinks the Parkland survivors are paid actors, and who’s a bigoted, racist, misogynstic xenophobe (friendly reminder!).
Totally not staged lovefest courtesy of ABC
Finally Garrett is put back into his cage for a bit, and—surprise!—of course Blake gets the third 1:1 with all of that ridiculous build up. He and Becca travel back in time to the year 2000 and attend a Baha Men concert, and then things get really interesting at the dinner portion.
Blake gushes on and on about how much he cares for Becca, to which she replies “I like you, but I also like other people; I do feel strongly for you, but I also have feelings for some of the others” lmaooo x5. Damn girl.
She then laments that she “sympathizes with Arie” over all this confusing who-do-I-like-the-most, to which Bachelor Nation promptly says:
NO courtesy of Giphy and anyone with 1/10000th of a brain
The show must wonderfully go on, so we cut back to Blake who opens up—and I mean really opens up—with some staggeringly personal insights into his mom’s affair with his football coach/English teacher and woof. Finally he drops the first “I love you” of the season (drink!) to which Becca deviously admits to the camera that she wants to tell him she loves him too, but purposely isn’t going to lmaooo x50.
There does actually seem to be some genuine emotion and affection between Blake and Becca, despite the fact that they’re both completely caught up in overblown emotions because they’re on national TV and all of this is completely engineered in order to produce the most in-the-moment feelings that aren’t sustainable in the real world, but whatever!
Then we’re interrupted with a surprise Rose Ceremony, in which Donald Trump swoops in to give the date rose to Brett Kavanaugh, who does a lovely job of gushing about his wife and daughters, right before he guts all of their rights and destroys their personal freedoms as women. YAY!
THAT. FUCKING. HAIR. and the destruction of our rights as women as we know it courtesy of ABC and truly the devil himself
ABC, stop fucking interrupting this show with Trump. This is our break from the horrors of the real world. Let us enjoy a safe haven where women can frolic in bathing suits with suitors before we fully dive into The Handmaid’s Tale, okay?
Thankfully the horror ends, but it’s just in time for a new kind of horror—the dreaded 3:1 date, in which Becca cruelly tosses Leo and Wills, two of the best remaining candidates, into a pot with Jason (whoever that is), thus cementing at least one of their imminent demises.
They scoot off on a boat and hit up a nearby beach, where the bloodshed really starts. Leo is fairly emotional, feeling frustrated by his lack of 1:1 time with Becca and knowing his head is on the chopping block.
“These other guys can offer her a nice house. An easy life. I can offer her love,” he says genuinely, moments before Becca kicks his ass to the beachside curb.
REST IN PEACE, LEO #JusticeForLeo
If you’re looking for a nice woman who’s ready for all your love, please slide into my DMs on Twitter @chelseallyn <3
The perfect hair, the perfect side eye, the perfect everything courtesy of ABC (no thanks to Becca)
Wills is a nervous wreck by the time Becca comes wandering back off the beach alone, while Jason just cooly shrugs it all off, despite the fact that Becca once forgot his name on national TV. Because as Jason and the rest of the fuckbois know, when it comes to choosing between a mature, collected, and smooth man and a can’t-commit, not-into-it boy, all the ladies of Bachelor Nation are choosing the latter.
And choose the latter Becca does, despite just having told Jason she’s not sure if he’s really there for the right reasons. She laments to the camera, moments after openly grabbing his junk:
“I have a guy I feel strongly for that loves me and is completely in and ready. Then I have another guy I feel strongly for and I just can’t tell if he’s the real thing. I just want and deserve love.”
As she SAYS GOODBYE TO THE MAN THAT LOVES HER AND KEEPS THE FUCKBOI SHE’S NOT SURE ABOUT. GODDAMNIT, BECCA. WHO ON EARTH SKIPS OVER THE SMOOTH AF MAN TO GO FOR THE CAN’T COMMIT FUCKB—
Oh my god.
Oh.
My.
God.
I just realized I’m Becca. NOOOOOOO.
Hang on. Okay, just finished my bottle of wine. I can breathe again. For now. I’m okay. I think.
So we say au revoir to our dear Wills and mourn the tragedy that is this season. Blake better win this because I CANNOT otherwise. I just cannot.
THE ROSE WINNERS
Colton "I Love Tia" Underwood, Racist-Misogynistic-Bigoted-Xenophobic Garrett, Blake of the Mountains, and Jason the Greaser all get hometown dates.
THE ROSE LOSERS
Leo and Wills, two of the best contestants ever, are mercilessly dumped (and along with them, any hope for real happiness and stability in Becca's future—unless she chooses Blake, which she won't)
Utter TRAVESTY courtesy of ABC
Coming up, we’ll be kicking off the hometown dates next episode! BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. We’re treated to a teaser of Tia finally, I assume, admitting the TRUTH OF COLTON and his love for her. Dayum girl, let’s do this!
Until next week!
