Oh, The Proposal. It’s fitting to remind ourselves that this festering turd of a show is from the creators of The Bachelor, because, just like the Bachelorverse, this show is already rife with problematic behaviors towards women and a complete and utter lack of proper screening.

The actual second episode of The Proposal was pulled because—surprise!—a male contestant had made it through to shooting, despite having been accused of aiding a sexual assault. Cool. I guess it’s better than the current train wreck on The Bachelorette, when actually convicted sexual assaulters are still getting airtime? Yay? 

Things keep on keepin’ on with the depressing front, however, because we’re treated to an episode that’s…tame. Vanilla. And dare I say it, vaguely respectful to the contestants. This is because the contestants are men, however, and men, I guess, are to be treated with more respect than woman. I mean yes, they also stripped down to their skivvies and pranced around onstage in their bathing suits, but it’s a more insidious issue that really set the first and second episodes apart.

Let me remind you of the first episode’s panel of air-headed girl puffs:

THE CONTESTANTS: EPISODE 1

• Jessica: who, at 30 years old, chooses to first describe herself as "loves to party"

• Morgan: a Brand Ambassador who was nicknamed "Drama Queen" in high school

• Havilla: who has a MASSIVE COLLECTION OF DOLLS

• Nicole: an Olympic weightlifter who likes "pampering and being blunt"

• Kelly: who attempts not to die while staggering down the stairs in hot pink rollerskates

• Stephanie: who "loves singing and following dreams"

• Rhianna: who is VERY PROUD OF HER CALVES

• Kendall: a 30-year-old baton twirler

• Alona: who's biggest fear is bad grammar (preach!)

• Monica: who loves to bedazzle her clothes

And now let’s take a look at the dude version:

THE CONTESTANTS: EPISODE 2

• Jeremy: a dog-loving digital marketer from New York City

• Jordan: an ad agency producer from LA that loves hockey

• Leo: a business owner and surfer from Newport Beach

• Samuel: a musically inclined law student from San Diego who moonlights as a wedding DJ

• Paul: an assistant colorist from LA

• Nate: an operations director

• Terence: a research scientist

• Tyson: an entrepreneur and business manager who loves to skateboard

• Sam #2: an advertising director

• Evan: an LOTR fan looking for his precious

The only “wacky” details are that Jeremy wants to be the “Instagram couple everyone’s jealous of” and Evan’s misguided understanding of the LOTRverse (more on that latter). 

That’s it.

While the women are dressed up as completely absurd, overly stereotypical female caricatures, the men are…simply men. They have successful titles (regardless of whatever “entrepreneur” or “business manager” may mean in this context), are treated with respect, and are shown simply as nice men looking for love on national TV. No intense love of their own calves, no terrifying collection of soulless-eyed dolls, no bedazzling or baton-ing. 

I know. I give up, too. Let’s just recap this damn thing already.

We open with a desperate plea to BELIEVE THEM, DAMNIT from ABC, bleating about how Mike and Monica from Episode 1 are STILL TOGETHER after 2 WHOLE MONTHS! My god, this show DOES work!

Moving on, we meet tonight’s Mystery Lover, a single mom named Ashley who lives in Nashville and plays the guitar and appears to be rocking one hell of an angled mom bob. She's just another milky, transluscent blob looking to break into the music scene.

Luckily for all of us, she swiftly and deftly begins cutting down her gaggle of suitors. 

ELIMINATION ROUND 1
Jeremy the Dog-Loving Digital Marketer, Jordan the Ad Agency Producer, Leo the Surfing Business Owner, Samuel from San Diego, Evan the LOTR Enthusiast, and Sam the Ad Director all make it through to the next round.

Yawn. But at least it’s time for the swimsuit round! It’s nice to know that The Proposal is an equal opportunity body exploiter, at any rate. Let’s check it out:

• Jeremy rocks some maybe-lobster-print trunks and declares that his parents got engaged after 6 weeks and have been married for 37 years
  

• Jordan claims it’s not very sunny so that’s why his kept his shirt on, then gives some self-deprecating jabs about having a dad bod and trying to lose the winter weight he put on in 2015, whatever whatever
  

• Leo surfs out on bad puns about surfing the single life
  

• Samuel does a little striptease and then belts out a song about needing a unicorn, confusing about 5 different fetish groups in the process
  

• Evan says he wants to take the Mystery Lady to Mordor, meaning he either lied and doesn’t really know LOTR, or he wants to throw her off cliff into river of lava (men, amirite?)
  

• Sam the Ad Director declares that JESUS COMES FIRST and then his parents and then at rock-fucking-bottom is his wife, yay! He also claims he’s always been stuck in the friend zone and that he’s here to prove that nice guys don’t finish last, so we have a Future Abusive Husband Bingo, people!!

ELIMINATION ROUND 2
Samuel of San Diego and Evan of Mordor are given the boot, to which no one really cares either way.

Next up is the Dealbreaker Question Round, in which, according to illustrious ex-Bachelor host Jess Palmer, they can face questions about “religion, past relationships, and even…SEX!” Jesus, was this show written by a 10-year-old boy? Wait, don’t answer that.

So whatever, they face some lame ass questions:

• Sam gets “How do you feel about being with somebody that has a child” and gives a standard answer about it’s fine, it all works with the right person, etc. He does drop that he has 14 damn nieces and nephews, so yikes on that front.
  

• Jeremy gets “Coming on the show for me was pretty crazy! Why did you come on the show?” He says he’s been through some serious relationships and had heartbreaks, wants his dream wedding, he likes to give gifts, whatever.
  

• Leo gets “Where do you stand spiritually and religiously?” and says he was brought up Catholic with a Jewish dad, and that’s he’s not a huge believer but likes the community part, and thus effectively takes himself out of the running, cause Mystery Lady Ashley loves her some Jesus FYI
  

• Jordan gets “Have you ever hurt somebody in a relationship and why” and he bravely soldiers on with unfortunately yes, it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life and the cause of his heartbreak, but that sometimes you need those kinds of lessons and if you don’t take them and learn from them, you don’t learn, oh and he’ll never do it again. Which is really just one roundabout way of saying he’s a cheater and will totally cheat again. Fun! Then he lets out a horrifying vocal fry laugh that made all dogs in the country perk up their heads.

ELIMINATION ROUND 3
Bye, non-Jesus loving Leo, we hardly knew ye.

Now it’s time to meet the parents! They seem kind, even if her mother is wearing some too-tight leopard-print and black spandex atrocity, and they really focus on Jesus, and they’re really pushing the fact that she’s had significant relationship issues. Solid.

Here come the questions:

• Jeremy: “You live in NYC; she’s just at the verge of going a long ways in her career. How can you help her fulfill her career and dreams all the way in NYC?” Jeremy clearly shows he in no way is moving from NYC, saying that he’ll make sure there’s lots of communication and trips back-and-forth.
  

• Jordan: “Since your first relationship didn’t work out after 9 years, what exactly are you looking for?” He says he’s looking for crazy mad love and doesn’t want to settle if there’s no X factor (?) meaning he’ll die alone.
  

• Sam: “We appreciate your willingness to state your faith. How does your relationship with god” whatever whatever. He blathers on about family and Jesus being the centerpiece of life and how they’ll do what Jesus wants them to do, UGH GOD MAKE THIS EPISODE END ALREADY

ELIMINATION ROUND 4
Jeremy and his not-gonna-leave-NYC status is sent back to NYC.

Now it’s time for The Unveiling! Ashley is surprising gorgeous, even with the mom bob and the epic almost-fall she has when she trips over her own two feet and nearly takes out both of her suitors. There’s lots of useless talking, and then the men propose, and honestly, I didn’t listen to any of it, I was way too busy judging people on Tinder and fighting with someone on Twitter. 

Where am I again? Oh yeah, The Proposal. So Ashley shocks us all—and disappoints her parents once again, it seems—by not going for Jesus-Loving Sam, but instead saying she has to go with her heart and chooses Jordan!!! Girl, I dig it. I was wrong, you go rock your mom bob and play your sexy country music and enjoy pissing off your parents as long as you can.

Until next week!