Once in awhile, there comes a moment in pop culture so powerful, so insightful, so jarringly transformational that we all remember exactly where we were when we felt the world shifting for the better.

The Proposal is not one of those moments.

In fact, The Proposal is probably one of the worst things to have ever happened to this world and every single living entity upon its surface, and, for having watched it, I am now irrevocably stupider. Which means, of course, I'll be recapping the show from here on out. Here we go!

No, thine eyes do not deceive, it's Season 5 Bachelor Jesse Palmer as our illustrious host! But the host of what, you're asking, your stomach roiling in anticipatory horror.

Brought to you fittingly by the creators of The Bachelor/Bachelorette, The Proposal is a bastardization of all we hold dear. In a time where the LGBTQ+ community is still struggling to have full marriage rights and recognition, the straight community really hammers home "the sanctity of marriage" by inviting 10 desperate singles onto national TV in order to parade themselves around in bikinis, answer sexually charged questions, and be judged on their looks and antics BY A STRANGER THAT WILL PROPOSE TO THEM AT THE END OF THE HOUR.

But we start with a twist, and honestly, it's just...oof. It's just oof. Our bachelor, Mike, is a seemingly sweet, genuine cop who was seriously injured in a bad car accident, and he's an amputee. Now for most people (read: people with souls), this isn't a deal breaker, but we're not dealing with just anyone here. We're dealing with a gaggle of women trotting onto TV for fleeting fame and the chance to hook a bachelor they assume is likely hot, rich, and Instagram famous. They're not looking for real life and its struggles.

So, yeah.

Speaking of our plucky heroines, who are our lucky first ten competitors? Are you really sure you want to know? No, seriously, this is a real question. Are you. Prepared. For the ramifications. Of this. Yeah? Alright, don't say I didn't warn you.

THE CONTESTANTS

• Jessica: who, at 30 years old, chooses to first describe herself as "loves to party"

• Morgan: a Brand Ambassador who was nicknamed "Drama Queen" in high school

• Havilla: who has a MASSIVE COLLECTION OF DOLLS

• Nicole: an Olympic weightlifter who likes "pampering and being blunt"

• Kelly: who attempts not to die while staggering down the stairs in hot pink rollerskates

• Stephanie: who "loves singing and following dreams"

• Rhianna: who is VERY PROUD OF HER CALVES

• Kendall: a 30-year-old baton twirler

• Alona: who's biggest fear is bad grammar (preach!)

• Monica: who loves to bedazzle her clothes

I don't-- I just-- I can't. I simply cannot. And yet I did. Oh, I did.

Luckily this show is only an hour, so we're already on to our first elimination round!

ELMININATION ROUND 1
Monica the Bedazzler, Jessica the Partier, Morgan the Drama Queen, Rhianna the CALVES ENTHUSIAST, Nicole the lover of Pampering + Bluntness, Alona the Bad Grammar Hater, and Kendall the Baton Twirler all make it through.

Sorry, excuse me for one moment.

Okay, had to chug that entire bottle of unopened rosé. I'm ready to keep going.

Yeah, Neil Lane is there. Of course. Anyway.

Now it's time for THE SWIMSUIT ROUND! Oh, you think I'm kidding? Even the Miss Fucking America Pageant 86'd the swimsuit insanity, but The Proposal hauled its bloated, stinking corpse right out of the ground, dressed it in a skimpy bikini, and paraded it around for the nation to see.

How'd it go? Well.

• Monica: announced that she brought her parents and brother on to watch her strip, as she, well, stripped down to a bathing suit
  

• Jessica: so, they publicly announce that she was once dumped on New Year's Eve, and then she immediately goes on to say that she's battled lots of anxiety and depression, but she's all better now, as she stands there awkwardly in a bathing suit on national TV
  

• Nicole: says she wants an alpha man who knows how to take charge, then promptly threatens to squat him if he doesn't
  

• Rhianna: has the announcers actually shout out that she's never had a boyfriend, and oh, her grandpa offered to have her eggs frozen
  

• Kendall: the baton twirler is a…a neuroscientist? Really? A neuropsychologist? I'm so confused. WHY WASN'T THIS YOUR INTRO?
  

• Alona: the announcer warbles how the "life skills coach is giving us life" but girl I gotta hand it to you, you're 41 and you look fabulous, and also, fuck all of the simpering 20-somethings that usually dominate these shows
  

• Monica: the standard hopeless romantic who hasn’t found the real thing blah blah blah

Luckily, our suffering is momentarily abated by a second elimination round. Woo!

ELIMINATION ROUND 2
Nicole, Rhianna, and Alona are all sent packing. Goodnight, sweet princesses.

Now it's on to the next round, when--surprise!--the women are told their bachelor is an amputee. Most of the women look shellshocked and checked out. Because it's The Proposal, people. 

Oh, and this round touts itself as "The Dealbreaker Question Round" which goes just as well as you imagined it would.

• Jessica's up first, and she's asked if she's okay with dating an amputee. She stares blankly at the camera for a good 15 seconds of the allotted 30, then does manage to get out something vaguely endearing about being religious and dedicated to commitment and whatever.
  

• Morgan's up next with the same question, and she flails for a painfully significant amount of time before basically saying "Yeah, I'm good." She looks horrified at the idea.
  

• Monica also looks just as horrified, but her question is about her longest relationship, and she's able to give a mostly coherent, timely answer about dating someone for 7 years and leaving him because he was holding her back from her goals, presumably of making an ass out of herself and her family on national TV.
  

• Kendall wraps up the round with the most horrifying question of all: "How physically adventurous are you in the bedroom?" Because this is a show about women being pieces of meat brought up only for men's use. Keep that in mind, kids. She looks suitably horrified and, with surprising dignity, says given the nature of her job she can't exactly answer that question.

ELIMINATION ROUND 3
I can't even bother with an intro to this round. Morgan is given the boot. Ciao.

To lighten the mood, the bachelor's BFF is waiting in the wings, and they bring him out to help field the questions. Here goes nothing:

• Jessica's asked a question, but I already forgot what it was. I'm so dead inside I barely took notes past this point.
  

• Monica's asked what her idea of a perfect Sunday morning is. She prattles on about hiking and being outside and exercising, but c'mon, who the hell do you think you're kidding, girl? Monica's either too hungover to get out of bed from the night before, or so drunk on 15 mimosas from brunch that she has to be tucked into bed by noon. Next!
  

• Kendall's asked how she feels about kids and what type of mom she thinks she'd be, and she REDEEMS THE ROUND by saying she loves to travel and live life and doesn't want kids. PREACH, SISTER, PREACH.

And now it's time for--you guessed it:

ELIMINATION ROUND 634873434
Kendall and her lack of desire to explode children out of her body and be beholden to them for the next 20+ years is sent home, so that she can avoid this horror show and go back to living her damn fun life.

The final two contestants now face off to give--WAIT! I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT THE BEST PART! The bachelor is brought out and he's FINE AF. Okay that's it, it's already terrible again.

Where was I? Oh yes, Monica and Jessica give simpering speeches as to why they should be chosen. Jessica actually seems genuinely into it, and gives a good response. Monica is clearly not okay with the bachelor being an amputee but is attracted to him and to the chance to hawk Fit Tea on Insta, so she deliveres a steaming pile of bullshit that anyone with 1/10th of a brain can see right through.

So clearly she wins. Mike proposes, she accepts, Jessica looks genuinely devestated and is booted offstage, and Mike and Monica kiss in front of fake fireworks on the screens and talk about how good they are at kissing and how they're even better offscreen and GODDAMNIT I WASTED AN HOUR OF MY LIFE ON THIS.

Coming up this season! Some dudes show up. Scallop Fingers is still at least two episodes away. I've discovered there truly is no god and life is meaningless.

Until next week!