Picture this: It’s 2001. Everyone thinks the godforsaken “Drops of Jupiter” is the best thing they’ve ever heard. Shrek launches in theaters, kicking off a thousand years of memes. Britney and Justin show up to the AMAs in their finest Canadian tuxedos. And, most importantly, the pop culture juggernaut Temptation Island springs to life in a sea of sad singles, cursed couples, and one of our first slavering tastes of trash reality tv. What a fucking time to be alive.

Now, fast forward to 2018: We’ve entirely run out of original ideas and are desperately attempting to resuscitate the ghosts of pop culture past. Queer Eye? You betcha. Charmed? Why the fuck not. Murphy Brown? Uh, sure?

And then. A warm breeze comes slowly rolling in. The cold concrete beneath our feet turns to warm grains of sand. In the distance, a scream.

That’s fucking right, America, Temptation fucking Island is back. Helmed by Mark L. Walberg (of Antique Roadshow fame, not whatever-the-fuck-The-Happening-was fame), this epic dumpster fire hauled unhappy couples to Belize and promptly separated them, throwing them into a swarming mass of hot singles to see who’d cheat first. For three glorious seasons, we had the chance to witness a show that made The Bachelor look classy. And now? Our time has come again.

On January 15, this epic failure of humanity comes bellowing back with a vengeance. Let’s meet our human sacrifices.

Karl Collins (31) & Nicole Tutewohl (25)

What I Assume She Does: Failing Instagram Influencer
What I Assume He Does: Runs the Register at Hollister
Where I Assume They Live: They just “upgraded” to Orlando and can’t stop bragging about it. 
Where I Assume They Met: At an audition at Believe In U Modeling USA in downtown Tampa

Current City: Chicago, IL
How They Actually Met: The gym
How Long They’ve Been Dating: 2 ½ years
About: A fun, outgoing and down-to-earth couple, Karl and Nicole are always up for an adventure. They are both passionate about fitness and met at the gym while Nicole was still in another relationship. After her previous relationship fizzled, Nicole and Karl began dating and over two years later, they are trying to determine what is next for them. Both are starting to feel stagnant -- but is it just that their honeymoon phase is over or are they getting bored of each other? On top of that, Nicole feels that Karl is her first true love, yet questions what "real love" even means. Will Nicole realize that she already has real love with Karl or will she let herself be stolen away by another man like once before?

First of all, are the fucking Bachelor interns writing these bios? Just get ready for a lot of horrible grammar, incorrect word choice, and an utter travesty of comma use—that is, if you can even stomach reading their About sections.

Second of all, if Karl and Nicole think they’re fooling anyone by pretending like they weren’t banging in their cars outside the gym before Nicole left her last relationship, they’re out of their ever-loving minds. And on the topic of “real love?” She’s gonna be sucking face within the first 24 hours. Probably within the first 12 hours. Probably as soon as they’re hurled from the plane. I already hate them both.

John Thurmond (35) & Kady Cannon Krambeer (30)

What I Assume She Does: High School Football Coach GO PANTHERS
What I Assume He Does: Stay-at-Home Last-Place Trophy Wife
Where I Assume They Live: Waco, TX
Where I Assume They Met: Country Joe’s Country Western Bar 

Current City Fort Worth, TX 
How They Met: The dating app Bumble 
How Long They’ve Been Dating: 3 years
About Kady is a country girl who has always been the long-term girlfriend, but never the bride. After meeting John, she finally felt she met her partner in life. John and Kady balance each other out and push one another to be the best versions of themselves. However, Kady constantly questions John’s masculinity and has always wanted an “Alpha guy.” The two of them both thought they were ready to take the leap towards marriage, but something held them back. As they got closer to that monumental step, they began to re-evaluate and together they want to use this journey to figure out who they are separately. Will the couple's self-control be stronger than you think?

Yiiiikes. Alright, so we have an aggressive, emasculating, wedding-starved Texas blonde that’s frog marching her sad sham of a boyfriend onto the public stage for the nasty enjoyment of the nation? God, I love this country.

I wonder what held them back. Maybe Kady’s constant attacks on John’s manhood? Her endless pleadings to get married, despite his Beta status? Her relentless tendency to compare him to each and every single one of her friends’ husbands, and to point out how he’s far less of a man than they are? What a mystery!

Javen Butler (25) & Shari Ligons (25)

What I Assume She Does: Yoga Instructor and Self-Proclaimed Foodie
What I Assume He Does: CTO of a Two-Person Tech Company 
Where I Assume They Live: Queens, New York
Where I Assume They Met: At a trendy vegan oxygen bar in Hell’s Kitchen 

Current City: San Francisco, CA
How They Met: High school sweethearts who met at 16-years-old 
How Long They’ve Been Dating:  8 years
About: A fiery, passionate couple who truly see one another as best friends, Javen and Shari are embarking on this journey to prove they are really meant to be together. High school sweethearts, they believe they are soul mates but Shari still can't get over the fact that Javen cheated on her in college. They are headed to TEMPTATION ISLAND in order to ensure she can trust Javen again, Shari knows this experience will test their loyalty and love more than ever before. All the while, Javen would like for Shari to experience dating other men since she’s never dated anyone else besides him. Will Javen stray and cheat again or will he prove to Shari that he is a changed man?

Look, I get being fucking angry for being cheated on, but 1) that was in college so likely at least three years ago, and 2) either move forward or get the hell out of there, don’t just stew in your anger and resentment for years or you’ll…well, you’ll end up on fucking Temptation Island. 

Although Javen’s desire for Shari to date other men is a truckload of red flags if I’ve ever seen one. Clearly he’s not ready to settle down (hello, being 25) and he wants her to get out there and have fun and find someone else—so he can promptly do the same and leave her ass in the dust, and pretend like he’s still a good guy after it all.

Evan Smith (28) & Kaci Campbell (29)

What I Assume She Does: Fox News Anchor 
What I Assume He Does: Giraffe Impersonator 
Where I Assume They Live: Los Angeles, CA
Where I Assume They Met: At an Alt-Right Singles Mixer

Current City: Los Angeles, CA
How They Met: Went to rival high schools and connected right before college
How Long They’ve Been Dating: On and off for 10 years; exclusive for the past 5 years
About: Throughout the past ten years, Evan and Kaci have grown alongside each other through every success and hardship. They believe in one another, but something has been holding them back. Kaci is ready for marriage and motherhood, and while Evan says he is too, he just can't bring himself to get down on one knee. Kaci is tired of waiting and knows this experience will open their minds and hearts to ensure they are soul mates and help them commit to the next stage of their life. Will Evan get cold feet or will he finally agree to propose to the woman of his dreams?

Wait, so have they been together for 15 years or 10? Because you say “on and off for 10 years; exclusive for the past 5 years” and then promptly say “Throughout the past ten years” so were they on and off for 10 years and one of them thought they were exclusive for 5 of those, or were they on and off for 10 fucking years and then decided to be exclusive for the 5 after? For fuck’s sake.

I’m glad Evan is also saying he’s ready for motherhood (THIS IS WHY COPYWRITERS ARE IMPORTANT, USA) but I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say he’s not even remotely ready for any of it. Neither of them are, let’s be real. She thinks going on a show called fucking Temptation Island, where they’re literally going to be tempted by way hotter people every single second of every single day, is going to cement their status as soulmates? Let me say again, for fucking fuck’s sake. None of this is sustainable and all of this is garbage, and we are all going to be irrevocably stupider for having witnessed it.

Can’t wait for the premiere!