LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO HELL.

On January 7, we face our eternal punishment with yet another disastrous go spiraling out from the utter train wreck that was Arie’s season. 

In a time of such deep fragility for Bachelor Nation, you’d think ABC would throw us an actual bone—and, if they were so aggressively fixated on having a contestant from one of the most recent seasons, bless us with Blake—but alas, they have not. Instead they’ve thrown us an anxious conch with intimacy issues that is doomed to leave us alone and unsatisfied, yet again. 

And ABC is going to be laughing at us the entire goddamn time.  

I can only imagine what the concepting session looked like for this season.

- Marketing Team: Okay so we want to not upset the masses, given the dumpster fire that was the last two seasons, so we’re thinking—

- Producers: Virginity.

- Marketing Team: Sorry, what?

- Producers: Let’s make it all about his virginity.

 - Marketing Team: We really don’t want to do that, and the audience isn’t going to be recept—

- Producers: Virginity. 

 - Marketing Team: Okay, again, so, we want to take a fresh approach and focus on his—

- Producers: VIRGINITY. 

Nailed it. 

Wait.  

And you know that the producers went wild during casting, ensuring a plethora of women with deep daddy issues, serious Red Cross syndromes, and a handful of token virgins that Colton will ultimately find disgusting, because remember, folks, we ARE ALL IN HELL. 

Can’t wait to see you all in January!