It’s a Bachelor Baby (Ugh)

Jesus fucking Christ, has anyone in the history of the Bachelorverse ever been more staggeringly boring than Arie and Lauren? They’re the curse that keeps on giving, and now is now is no exception, because—surprise!—these human equivalents of bagged skim milk are unexpectedly expecting. 

(If you listen carefully, you can hear the sounds of Becca’s screaming lilting on the wind.)

Lactose-infused bliss (US Weekly)

That’s right, the soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs. Milquetoast weren’t actively trying for a little bundle of bland, but here we are, and this place is hell.

According to US Weekly:

”After their home test, the couple drove to the store and got six more tests just to be sure. ‘Lauren took all of them and they were all positive,’ the former racecar driver says. “We weren’t trying, but we are so excited. It’s going to be a whole new chapter in our lives.’”

Ugh (US Weekly)

Is it just me, or do you also fucking hate when someone stupidly says “having a baby is going to be a new chapter for us!” Like of fucking course it is, you’re having a baby, not leaving a woman coldly on TV for her sentient glop of mayo rival. 

I’m curious what name they’ll choose. It’s either going to be something staggeringly bland and weirdly old like Susan or Sharon, or they’re going to embrace the alternate spellings we white people salivate over and go with a JynnifyrLynn or a SyerraMyst.

Has anyone seen a melon baller I can use to remove my eyes? (US Weekly)

Even these pictures are torturous. There’s 0.0% emotion or realness. I imagine the photographer had to bend and pose them like Barbie dolls in order to make them show affection or life in the slightest.  

What do you think they even talk about? Paint colors? Weather patterns? Yarn textures? That baby’s gonna come out, look and listen for a total of 5 seconds, and desperately try to crawl back into the womb, and honestly, little SyerraMyst, we get it. We’re here for you. See you on season 517 of The Bachelorette.